Our Appearance On The Suze Orman Show!

Suze Orman

(Note: We deliberately waited a couple of weeks for this, hoping the hullabaloo would have subsided. It hasn’t. Also, even though we still have a few more posts scheduled for January, you can consider this our Financial Retard of the Month. No one else is going to top it.)

Here’s the transcript of our recent television appearance on The Suze Orman Show, hosted by America’s favorite financial professional. It has yet to air.

It’s The Suze Orman Show! Today, Suze’s guest is Greg McFarlane of Control Your Cash!

SUZE: I understand you and Betty Kincaid have written a book, and a series of e-books, and you say your website is different than other personal finance websites. How is it different?

GREG: It’s different because we call other people out on their horseshit. Can I say “horseshit” on TV?

SUZE: No, this is basic cable.

GREG: Well, it’s your guys’ FCC license. Not my problem.

Look, you created this ridiculous prepaid card a couple of weeks ago which would have been a horrible idea if Russell Brand was behind it. Instead, it’s you – the woman whom Oprah’s minions trust to teach them about personal finance because watching daytime TV is easier than thinking.

I have nothing against separating suckers from their money – if they’re willing to part with it, why should that be anyone else’s problem – but you do realize you’re destroying your credibility with this card, right?

SUZE: Hold. It. Right. There. Mister. The Approved Card is a revolution in personal finance. People can use it to improve—

GREG: No, I’m going to cut you off. It’s someone else’s turn to be the angry lesbian. You were going to say “…their credit scores”, which is laughable. How can a debit card improve, or worsen, someone’s credit score?

Just because this card gives people a free look at one of their three credit scores – a perk with a retail value of 0 – doesn’t mean it can improve anybody’s score.

SUZE: Nuh-uh –

GREG: Still talking. I give you credit for telling your audience that this card is going to cost them $3 a month. $36 a year for using their own money. But then you follow that up with the list of tremendous benefits they get for that $36. They’re the first things listed on your website.

One, free use of certain ATMs. You call that a cardholder benefit? That’s like telling people the card comes with its very own shiny magnetic stripe. And they don’t even get the free ATM use until they sign up for direct deposit. Not that they shouldn’t anyway, but again, how is this a benefit?

SUZE: It’s –

GREG: Rhetorical question. Sucks when a person just keeps on talking while you’re trying to interrupt, doesn’t it?

SUZE: Ye–

GREG: I’m not close to done. You list 5 more benefits, one of which is that “your deposits are individually insured up to $250,000.”

Of course they are! It’s a freaking bank! Anyone who keeps his money in a federally regulated institution, as opposed to a pickle jar in the back yard, gets this “perk”. My God, how do you live with yourself? Another rhetorical question, by the way. Free online bill pay, which almost every payee offers anyway. A free “emergency fund account”, whatever that is. How much money does your partner, Bancorp Bank, put in the account? I’ll let you answer.

SUZE: Zero, but –

GREG: And how much interest do these accounts earn?

SUZE: That’d be zero, too.

GREG: Thank you. And, cardholders get “free activity alerts and balance updates.” Again, that’s like telling them that if they walk into a branch, they’ll get free deposit slips. And the ink to fill them out with is on the house. I know Bancorp Bank doesn’t have branches, but hopefully you see the point I’m making.

SUZE: Now, you don’t have any credentials, so who are you to discuss personal finance with people?

GREG: No credentials? (chortle) You should see where we live. (snicker) And live. (guffaw) And live. Besides, aren’t you the one with the degree in social work?

You even charge people for replacement cards. I’ve been with multiple banks in my life, and no one’s ever done that. Nor do they charge me for the original card. You guys do. How is that better?

SUZE: It’s better because The Approved Card is better than cash. If your cash gets stolen –

GREG: You mean if someone tries to steal cash out of my wallet, on my person?

SUZE: Maybe.

GREG: Then I’ll shoot them. But I never carry more than a few bucks anyway, because I already have a debit card. From my bank. Not Bancorp Bank. And it’s free. There’s no monthly fee, there’s no fee for using in-network ATMs, my money’s guaranteed up to $250,000 – basically all the benefits your card promises, and none of the costs. Would you be interested in this Bank of Nevada VISA card that’s in my hand? You can apply right online. You’re rich, I can’t imagine that they’d turn you down.

SUZE: Exactly. My card is for people who aren’t rich yet.

GREG: Sister, your card is for people who will never be rich, largely because they’re swallowing advice undigested from an imbecile. Your card is only for people whose credit is already so horrible, no bank or credit union will let them open an account.

Again, I respect that you’re trying to get rich off people dumber than you. And if it were Carlos Mencia or Blake Griffin putting his name on this card, that’d be one thing.

SUZE: I didn’t just put my name on this card. I created it.

GREG: Yeah, you keep saying that, as if proud of this. But you telling people to spend money to spend their own money would be like Jillian Michaels telling people they can carve chessboard abs for themselves by eating Jillian Michaels®-brand strawberry cheesecake.

You’re a crock, a charlatan, a mountebank, a fraud, and those epithets are far more complimentary than what you had to say to anyone who disagreed with you during your recent Twitter meltdown. So I’m going to end this interview prematurely, with a ruffle and a flourish, and leave you to filibuster for the rest of the segment. I’m sure you’ve got plenty to tell your viewers about. Goodbye.

SUZE: Look, before you leave…where do you get your pantsuits?

GREG: This isn’t a pantsuit. These are just pants.

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