Carnival of Wealth, Peter J. Buscemi Killed 5 Hookers Edition

He's got the hair, clothing, demeanor, teeth, writing style and most importantly, obliviousness of a real go-getter. Also, he killed 5 hookers.

He’s got the hair, clothing, demeanor, teeth, writing style and most importantly, obliviousness of a real go-getter. Also, he killed 5 hookers.

 

If you’re new here, every Monday we showcase the Carnival of Wealth. It’s an agglomeration of posts from various personal finance bloggers, ranging from the highly technical (such as Beating the Index) to the conversational (Len Penzo). The idea is to introduce you to some other bloggers who might be worth reading, and to give us a respite from devising original content 3 times a week. Some of the submitters engage us and promote the CoW on their own blogs, others send a submission every week and don’t care what we do with it. Why they submit, we’re not sure. The egregious ones will eventually clue in after a week or two of us poking fun at them.

Then there’s white-collar parody (except he’s serious) Peter J. Buscemi of FourQuadrant, the quintuple hooker-killer of our theme. 7 weeks ago, Peter J. sent us his first awkward post. We described him as “writ[ing] like a cloistered academic who can communicate with the outside world only via mutated and unintelligible Corporatespeak[.]”

Peter J. was just getting started. The next week he submitted anew, and after reading that dreck we wrote “zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…huh? Looks like someone’s sat through his share of strategy meetings and now wants to spread the pain.”

The week after that, we fell asleep while reading another of his deathly submissions. Begging for mercy by his post’s final line, we wrote “How do people get to this point? Peter J. presumably grew up in a regular household, populated by ordinary humans. When does someone go from speaking/writing in English to restating everything in whatever neutered and unreadable language the above is? Does it happen suddenly, or gradually?”

Consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, and Peter J. is nothing if not consistent. The following week we wrote, “Peter J. writes in a dialect…that makes his message impenetrable. Here, see if you can make it through this paragraph without slipping into a coma:

Go-to-Market Strategy is focused on how the organization will put offerings into the market to reach market penetration, revenue and profitability expectations. This charter is a superset of marketing strategy as it impacts all functions within an organization with the goal of preparing the entire company for market success.

Every Monday, we send a mass email to the submitters that includes a link to the new CoW. Maybe one of these weeks, Peter J. will take time out from his customer acquisition strategizing and brand positioning to bother clicking on it.”

We’re still waiting. Within 7 days he’d submitted yet another lifeless post, one that prompted us to write “the intrepid and relentless Peter J. Buscemi at FourQuadrant brings more of his insufferable business-school verbiage written with functional contempt for his, and by extension our, readers. If you think that’s harsh, give us a better description of this plodding and toneless excerpt[...]”

Our meta-references were becoming meta-meta-references. From last week, “This marks 6 consecutive submissions from Peter J. Buscemi at FourQuadrant, who didn’t say a word the first 4 times we skewered his somniferous prose. Then last week we gave him the coveted opening slot, criticized his work roundly, pointed out that he obviously doesn’t care where said work is being mocked, and yet he got back up on the horse again.We’d say that you’ve got to respect that, but Peter J. isn’t undaunted, he’s merely apathetic.

Where do we go from here? Every week we lambaste his droning and agonizingly wordy style, and every week he submits yet again as if nothing had happened the previous week. It’s not as if we’re doing this behind his back. The CoW is publicly visible, and we even send him an email every Monday with a link to the Carnival.”

That tied the record of 6 consecutive mocked posts. Would he reach 7?

Indeed he would, and has. Peter J. Buscemi is to bad blog posts what Nolan Ryan is to no-hitters and what Sir Georg Solti is to Grammys. This week, Peter J. explains how to write a cold calling script for your sales team. Of course it takes him 8 paragraphs to say as much, and we wonder if anyone could ever sell anything with a script written by the most loquaciously impotent man on the planet (who, by the way, was recently stopped with the decomposing bodies of 5 hookers in his BMW.)

The Inside Sales (Telemarketing, Telesales, Sales Development) Representatives also provide key feedback to the demand creation planning team on which programs are working. The Inside Sales (Telemarketing, Telesales, Sales Development) Reps provide valuable feedback to product marketing on whether messaging and positioning is or is not resonating with prospects. Inside Sales (Telemarketing, Telesales, Sales Development) Reps also share competitive insights gleaned, help keep FAQs current, and communication prospects’ perceptions on functionality and price.

The tin ear that writes this antiseptic garbage and expects it to enthrall an audience is attached to the head of a man who proves every week that he’s the opposite of perceptive. Peter J., it’s nothing personal, but your reach is so insignificant and your influence so nonexistent that we can say uncomplimentary and gradually more scandalous things about you every week yet it’s never gotten back to you. (Either that or it’s our site that’s inconsequential, and if that’s the case then why are you submitting to us every week?) Our conclusion? No one cares, because no one but masochistic us has ever made it to the second sentence of a Peter J. Buscemi piece.

An effective call guide for Inside Sales Training prepares Inside Sales, Telemarketing, Telesales or Sales Development Representatives with cold calling techniques to make cold calls

First of all, if you did a shot every time Peter J. wrote “Telemarketing, Telesales, (or) Sales Development” you’d be urinating on the Alamo and flashing passersby by now. Beyond that, let’s break down that last monstrosity of a sentence fragment. So a guide for telling employees how to make cold calls should “prepare (them) with cold calling techniques”? Whatever for? Oh, “to make cold calls”. Got it. Well, now that you put it so succinctly, how could we miss it?

Poor, redundant, passive, and just plain boring communication is society’s bane. We’re not saying everyone has to be J.K. Rowling, but holy Christ that Peter J. Buscemi can take a topic and turn it brown.  What is the point of writing if you have nothing to say and no capability to convey it anyway? This post has it all: subheadings, a chart with more dull subheadings, 7 sets of bullet points and a sad little supplicative entreaty at the end: “If you enjoyed this post, please consider leaving a comment…” Peter J. can’t even tell people to leave a comment without being indirect and sheepish about it. What really blows our mind is that he lectures at the University of South Florida. Those poor, helpless students.

Now onto the real submissions. The superb Pauline Paquin at Reach Financial Independence has now officially entered a modified, financial version of the Tyson Zone. She could announce that she’s building a hoverbike factory or opening a chain of breadfruit restaurants and we wouldn’t blink. From her Guatemalan oceanside bunker, L’iconoclaste Français has now decided to invest in a coconut farm. Of course she has. 10 acres in Brazil. She ran the numbers (this is Pauline we’re talking about, she’s not going to invest on a whim) and is looking at a handsome profit if most of her investment goes according to plan.

Harry Campbell at Your PF Pro analyzes whether it’s worth it to move in with your significant other.

Living by yourself is expensive but you can immediately cut your rent in half by living with another person.

The rest of the post is more insightful than that quote, we swear.

[Post rejected because it came from OC-repair.com, which is Orange County (California) Appliance Repair. Here's how the author pitched it to us:

The Electrolux UltraClean Washer has a 15kg capacity and comes in a top loader model. Ultrasound is a growing technology as it is eco-friendly. This means many products with the same feature may soon come out in the future.]

Off-topic, draws an inference between ecological benignity and popularity, and uses metric units. Yeah, we’ll run that.

“Bill Smith” may be a pseudonym, but at least he’s on topic. The man behind 2014 Taxes gives us a semi-literate post about claiming dependents.

Dividend Growth Investor looks at companies that pay uncommonly high dividends with respect to diluted earnings. Which is never sustainable, like a baseball player leading the majors with an .800 average one day into the season.

Who doesn’t like a series of “top tips”? From Betsy Fallwell at Blogging Banks, what to do when you’re buying your first home. Betsy sounds like the kind of rational woman who keeps her emotions in check, and doesn’t at all perpetuate the stereotype of the flighty and demonstrative female:

The first time my husband and I pulled into the driveway of what would ultimately become our new home for a showing with our real estate agent, I burst into tears. They were not unlike the tears I shed when I tried on the dress that would be my wedding gown for the first time

Note to Mr. Fallwell: Never watch Titanic with your wife.

Katrina Lamb, CFP, is presumably made of stronger stuff. The author at Jemstep borrows a quote we’ve never heard before, but like. Playing the market is like 2 mediocre tennis players facing each other. Whoever makes fewer mistakes will do well.

Is your 401(k) too restrictive? Are the fees killing you? Do you even know? Michael at Financial Ramblings explains how to get out of your retirement plan and into a better one. Max out an IRA, put remaining contributions in a 401(k), get the employer match if one exists (free money)…this post is roughly 4000 times better than the typical submission we get here at the CoW, which usually features the author’s first-person story about failing to pay down her debts.

We wouldn’t make fun of academics if they all had as much real-world knowledge as Charles Davis at Wallet Hub does. (And he’s a journalism professor, no less.) This week he explains what private mortgage insurance is, how it differs from mortgage interest premia, and why you might have little choice but to spend money on one or the other.

You want to know an easy financial decision you can make that will benefit everyone, especially you? Get your superannuated parents off the couch, and force them to go to the gym and start eating baked skinless chicken breasts and broccoli. Otherwise you could end up like Lynn B. Johnson at Wallet Blog and tens of millions of other Americans, changing adult diapers and wiping up drool. Her story about the hardships suffered by working caregivers makes at least one CYC author grateful to be estranged.

From the lovely Liana Arnold at Card Hub, the dangers of something sinister: tax fraud. Someone paying your taxes for you might sound like the most eleemosynary gesture imaginable, but not when that other person is using your Social Security number and making you the unsuspecting victim of fraud.

And we’re done. Thanks for reading, see you tomorrow.

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