Carnival of Wealth, Wristwatch Edition

At the very least, think about how much of the price of each watch they must have to pay an endorser who's already worth hundreds of millions.

At the very least, think about how much money they have to spend to lure an endorser who’s already worth hundreds of millions.

 

How are people still buying watches? There is nothing of less utility. Even (other) jewelry, earrings and pendants and the like, doesn’t pretend to be functional or anything but decorative. But we’re supposed to believe that this Breitling Chronomat should somehow be duodecuple the price of an iPhone? The Breitling not only tells time, assuming that you set it correctly without benefit of it connecting to a server, it takes up space on your wrist. While doing nothing else. Find a smartphone that can perform all that, why don’t you?

People are idiots. But not the Carnival of Wealth submitters, at least not from our cursory peek at this week’s roster. Which starts with a pity submission from Nelson at the newly revamped Financial Uproar, who saw last week’s dismal festival (really more of a neighborhood piñata party, for a crippled kid who lives in the barrio) and decided to contribute. Nelson discusses payday loans, those prohibitively expensive advances that poor and/or stupid (mostly the latter) people use in lieu of making enough money and watching how much they spend. More specifically, he cites yet another idiot personal finance blogger who is comically inept about money, to the extent that she takes out payday loans (plural) of her own, yet who has the audacity to say that payday lenders are evil.

It is my belief that Payday (sic) lenders make the bulk of their money on those interest payments.

That’s like saying “It is my belief that Toyota makes the bulk of its money on vehicles.”Ever notice how losers love to set goals? As a rule, the more numbered lists of future accomplishments a person has posted on the walls of his or her sad little apartment, the less that person ever gets done. It’s similar to the phenomenon of the most out-of-shape people at the gym wearing the fanciest weightlifting gloves. Jason at Hull Financial Planning explains that equating goal-setting with success is like equating owning a North Face jacket with summiting Everest. Here’s a better idea: find someone hypersuccessful – like, say, a U.S. Military Academy graduate who built and sold a lucrative business – and just do what he tells you to.Harry Campbell at Your PF Pro either got paid to write a post about American Express, or really, really likes their social media promotions.Jim at Critical Financial crapped out a post about billionaires donating to charity, and now we’ve already run as many submissions as we did last week and are thus entering the gravy part of the CoW.

Once again, the intimidatingly brilliant PKamp3 at DQYDJ.net writes a better one-line synopsis than most anyone else’s entire post. As he describes it, this is “[t]he first ever article in which I compare debt bloggers to people infected with toxoplasmosis.” This is one of those few posts where almost every line in it could serve as a representative quote. Here are 3 to get you started:

just because you’ve got $0 in debt and a $10,000 emergency fund doesn’t mean you’re financially independent.

Don’t catch the [debt payoff] fever…because the only solution is more debt payoff.

The problem […] isn’t the new drive to pay off debt… it’s the complete denial that there are any other ways to improve one’s financial situation.

Everything he said.

And nothing this guy says: a submitter making his first and presumably last visit to our shores, Mo Wally at Success Mnual (sic). Seriously, that’s the name of his site. He spelled “success” correctly, which isn’t always easy for some people to do, yet dropped the ball on “manual,” thinking you can somehow get by without any kind of vowel between the m and the n. This post is 300 words long, 15 of which are “distill” and its variants. To wit:

One technique to help propel us faster on our journey to peak performance is to distil wisdom from our days.

Is this Peter J. Buscemi, writing under a pseudonym?

Got dang it, you encourage more submitters and this is what happens. Welcome Jon Haver at Our Insurance Canada, who mistakes one preposition for another and comes up with this unintentionally funny title, “Scary Facts About Canadians Traveling Without Medical Insurance.” Would you like to know a way to avoid high medical bills when visiting other countries? Here, we’ll make it a hangman-style puzzle:

B _ Y   I N S _ R A N C E

Shh. No hints. Also, Jon has a handy link to a clearinghouse for a company that sells…some sort of guaranteed coverage in exchange for payment of a premium.

Alright, fine. These awful posts are fun to make fun of. Doesn’t mean we enjoy doing it, though.

Let’s close this out with a flourish of competence, shall we? Starting with Justin McCurry at Root of Good, who’s 3 months into the glorious realization that the conventional office is a dreadful place to be.

I’m still waiting for the nostalgia of the workplace to set in.

Told you he’s funny. This post is also an elegy, or possibly eulogy, for his oven. Which lasted 41 years. If we were ratiocinating crazy person Trent Hamm at The Simple Dollar we’d have calculated that Justin (and the oven’s prior owners) averaged .24917¢ of oven depreciation per meal, excluding the untold billions wasted on the energy used to cook and possibly illuminate the food therein. But we wouldn’t do that, we’re not insane.

Justin also admits that

I still don’t feel like there are enough hours in the day

A quandary we here at CYC Headquarters marvel at daily. How do people manage to cook/clean/enjoy life/exercise/run errands/visit friends/have sex while stuck at a workplace 8 hours a day? It stumps us.

It also stumps Paula Pant at Afford Anything, who touches on PKamp3’s realization that there’s more to life than the freedom of paying down one’s debt. In fact, she categorizes debt freedom as one among a triumvirate of freedoms, the other 2 being location freedom and financial freedom. HEY IDIOT DEBT BLOGGERS AND THOSE WHO READ THEM: THAT PAULA DISTINGUISHES DEBT FREEDOM FROM FINANCIAL FREEDOM SHOULD CLUE YOU IN THAT THE TWO ARE VASTLY, VASTLY DIFFERENT. Just read Paula’s entire archives. Imagine a writer who has all of Tim Ferriss’s good ideas and none of his pretentious stupid ones. Also, Paula’s sexuality is unambiguous.

Nothing like a post from the long-dormant Andrew at 101 Centavos to continue the nostalgic theme. Andrew was one of our favorite submitters, his posts an eclectic mélange of historical references, arcane jokes and sound advice. Then, 7 months ago, he disappeared. He returns this week with Ten Things You Can Do To Impress People At Work, a title which would foreshadow a crushing bore of a post if anyone else wrote it. Andrew makes it interesting, and even semi-controversial. (For the record, we’ll endorse things #2 through #9, not so much #1.) Here’s a highlight from #6:

Ladies, read some fashion magazines and pick outfits that complement curves.

Followed by an even better sentence:

Resist the temptation to show cleavage

Relax, he has sartorial advice for guys, too. But the advice for women is clear. Also, it puts the thought in our heads that through our (this is the male half of CYC doing the typing, and the thinking) old corporate careers, we might well have had female coworkers who were dying to show off some chestal area but opted to go conservative instead.

There we go, just like old times. A few gems, a few pieces of dross. Check us out on Investopedia, download us on the Stacking Benjamins podcast, and be kind to animals. As you were.

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